Telegraph Avenue Kiss

009.

2008-06-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

What Do I Want...

I want a boy

I want a boy who kind of love the same stuff I do and if he doesn't thats ok too.

I want a boy who will go to shows with me

I want a boy who knows my life is hetic

I want a boy who knows that being a photographer isn't all that and a bag of potato chips

I want a boy who will sit at the kitchen table with me and help me do promo stuff for my work

I want a boy who supports my decisions in life

I want a boy who can take me to the movies

I want a boy who can talk to me

I want a boy who can take me out to dinner.

I want a boy who can take me to a party

I want a boy who can let me drink

I want a boy who can take me home when I'm stumbling and sluring my words and cant stand on my own two feet.

I want a boy who wont take advantage of lil' drunk me.

I want a boy who will stay with me in the bathroom and hold my hand and hold my hair back while I puke up what I ate and drank

I want a boy who can steal me away for teh day and take me to the beach

I want a boy who can splash me with water and then laugh at me because it's funny

I want a boy who can go on roller coasters with me

I want a boy who would take vacations with me

I want a boy who wont screw me over

I want a boy who wont break my already fragile heart

I want a boy who is there when I come running over with tears pouring down my face with my makeup all runny.

I want a boy who will just lay in bed with me all day and watch tv. nothing sexual at all.

I want a boy who will give me a kiss on the forehead in the morning and tells me my hair smells of mangos and oranges.

I want a boy who tells me I look beautiful with no make up on.

I want a boy who will accept the fact that I have pink hair.

I want a boy who will txt me with our plans for that night.

I want a boy who will stay home and bake cupcakes when Im upset

I want a boy who can sit on the floor with me and eat cake batter and cookie dough.

I want a boy who will enbrace my inner childishness

I want a boy who will take pictures with meI want a boy who will take me into a photobooth, put money in for pictures, and just kiss me the entire time.

I want a boy who will sing A Fine Frenzy, Jacks Mannequin, Something Corporate, My Chemical Romance, Atreyu, Brand New, Sugarcult, Funeral For A Friend to me.

I want a boy who will sing me to sleep.

I want a boy who can see me on my worst days and still think Im beautiful.

I want a boy who can see me at my lowest point in my life, and be there to help pick me back up again

I want a boy to txt me all night that we fall asleep with the phones in our hands.

I want a boy to txt me when hes right next to me, acting like we're miles apart.

I want a boy to go to shows with me.

I want a boy to go to festivals with me.

I want a boy to look me in the eye and act as if im the last person he'll ever see.

I want a boy who will give me the world.

I want a boy who has a job.I want a boy who has a life goal.

I want a boy whos in college.

I want a boy whos smart

I want a boy whos funny

I want a boy whos cute

I want a boy with a nice body

I want a boy with a beautiful clavical

I want a boy with beautiful hands

I want a boy with amazing skin

I want a boy...

I want a boy that I cant have.

if you know a boy with those qualities, please point him in my direction.

009.

2008-02-19T20:32:00.000-08:00

a letter to my ex:

I know you're trying to avoid me. why, I'm not sure. I never did anything wrong to hurt you but you don't realize how much I'm hurting. Every second my heart continues to break and it's gotten to the point where It maybe driving me insane. I haven't spoken to you in 2 weeks. Last we spoke, I was still comming down from my meds and crashing from being sedated from surgery and one night, you weren't even online, I had reached my lowest point that I don't want to relive. I was so suicidal that I was suprised that I didn't run into on comming traffic..well then again, I was still crashing from my medication. I really wish you were around to help me. To help me understand what was going on. To at least be there for me when I lost it, when I couldn't take it anymore. I wish you were around to tell me to sleep or help me sleep. But now I'm sitting here like the pathetic loser that I am crying my eyes out over something that you wrote on DA about your "new girlfriend" and then when you posted the layout that you made for me saying "something I made for a friend of mine" you have no idea how much that killed me. That you're showering this girl with love and affection and attention and I'm sitting here waiting for acceptance from you and it's killing me every minute. Its gotten to the point where I can't even catch a breath and I feel like the weight of the world is on my sholders. From the day that we started talking (Thanksgiving Day) I knew I wanted to be with you. I tried to make you so happy that day and I hope that I did make you happy cause somehow in the end, we were lucky enough to have each other. You're 10 years older than I am but that doesnt really make a difference in anything. Sure I'm the youngest girl that you've dated but It felt good to tell someone that I was taken by you. I still replay that voice mail that you left me when I had my English midterm. I didn't expect you to call me, but you did. You called just to wish me luck on my midterm and I ended up passing it with a B. You were my best friend, my savior, my worst enemy. You told me when I was right, when I was wrong and when I was acting stupid. You were there to pick up the peices of a bad day and now Im here picking up the peices of a broken heart and writing this. Cause I was foolish enough to fall in love with you and hey! guess what Chuck, I somehow still am falling for you. All I want is to be given another chance but I cant even get that.
I miss talking to you.
I miss hearing your voice.
I miss seeing your pictures even though I saved everyone you sent me.
And I still manage to laugh at our inside jokes about pudding and the orly owls.
I still read all the emails and remember the txt messages. I still even have that txt that you sent to me in italian.
I still remember telling you about who I learned about in class and you didn't know who or what I was talking about.
But I hope you're happy now fucking her and leaving me to pick up the peices of yet again another broken heart.
Im not becoming bitter and I hope it doesnt show but It's now just plain old hurt.
I fell to fast for you and look what I got out of it.
But thats nothing new.
And thats the tale from another broken heart.

love always,
Rae
xoxo

007.

2008-02-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

i need a change of pace.
i need to get out of here.
Im sitting here listening to "Here Is Gone" by The Goo Goo Dolls and its making me think.
I want to work at a concert venue.
I want to take pictures.
I want to live my life the way I want to.
But I cant.

and another thing...
I wanna stop being looked at as a joke.
even the security guards at shows look at me as a joke.
and im sick of it.
I wanna be taken as a serious photographer.
Just because I don't have the right camera and I use a regular digital camera doesnt mean i cant take professional looking pictures.

and in leiu of what I just said, I think my friends band isnt gonna use me for pictures anymore since their bassests girlfriend is doing their photos.
that actually hurts even though my friend broke it to me nicely.
still hurts.

006.

2007-12-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

i feel so misunderstood.
i dont fit in.
here.
the world.
anywhere.
im a misfit.
and somehow im terribally comfortable with it ??
i need to update this thing more often.

005.

2007-03-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

im not dead yet.
i really dont know what to write on here. its been awhile.
im not friends with Jenn anymore. thank god.
slut.
uhm.
ill post later.

004.

2006-08-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

have you ever been friends with someone and they just use you and you dont wanna loose that person cause they're the only best friend that you have?

well thats pretty much my case.
im being used by my "best friend" and I keep staying with her. Best Friends arent supposed to use you and ditch you for other people.
im sick of it.
im sick of getting made fun of for things i do.
im sick of getting made fun of for my music.
im sick of being used.
im sick of being ditched.
im sick of seeing her.
im sick of talking to her.
im sick of it all.

ive never had a true friend. all my friends either got rid of me, hate me, or are annoyed at me.
the other night, i told my mom what was going on. I cried. I was and still am hurt, pissed..pretty much mixed feelings.
it hurts. it does.
yes shes my friend and i do love her. but its getting to much.
and as for new myspace pics, they had to be removed because of her.
its not just that.
im sick of being hurt.
in sick of the pain.

003.

2006-07-31T17:27:00.000-07:00

I think I've just gone from shitty to way way worse.
I feel like I'm a horrible daughter. I totally forgot that today was my dads birthday. Ive been so caught up in work and college that I forgot about his birthday until I called him. And I feel even worse because he was gonna take me out to dinner with him and my grandparents for his birthday. and I blew all this to go to fucking six flags with Jenn. Cause If i dont go with her, Im not gonna hear the end of it. either way, at the end of both spectrums, im gonna feel guilty.
and now im sitting here crying over what i did.
i lied to my dad and broke his heart and told him i was working all day to go to a fucking park.
i cant believe myself.
im so disgusted.

002. (continued from earlier)

2006-07-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

well i promissed pictures and Im keeping my word:

my hair before:

my hair before the dying process and during the dying process:

and after:

its something like this, even a drastic change, that makes me feel beautiful. and I havent been able to say something like that in a long time.

B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l.

I like the sound of that.
:]

002.

2006-07-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

I dont think I've ever been this happy since..well I dunno when.

This morning, i decided to change my look up a bit. I got my hair cut and colored.
I know. no big deal. but to me it was.
My hair was a pretty shitty hair color and length before today,
well, now its. pretty damn fucking short. try like a bright red for color and short and spikey in the back and long in the front.
never thought I'd be this happy bout something that usually isnt a big deal to some people. Dont worry, if you're looking foward (or not looking foward. doesnt matter. im gonna shove it in your face anyway) to seeing how it looks, ill post pics either in a little while or tonight after i get home from work.
you'll get a before and after shot so you know what im talking bout.
mkay?
sounds good.
so, until tonight.
xoxo

001.

2006-07-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

She's the song that you tried to sing
And the note that you couldn't hit
So you locked her up in a music box
Turned the key on all of us
She spins silver strings in the dark
With metal teeth that ring in her heart
When the cover drops
The world just fades
Away, away, away from her
Waiting, waiting, waiting for her
To say it
K-I-S-S I'm in distress,
I need someone to spell it out
You know our love's not unconditional
A book of matches and a cigarette
A love note that you never sent
You can fold it up
But you won't forget
You can strike a match
But it still might not light
Now I'm the one that's stuck inside
The silver cage
The bird that can't fly away
Clip its wings
If it sings of
The way, the way, the way that it hurt
Waiting, waiting, waiting for her
To say it
K-I-S-S I'm in distress, I need someone to spell it out
You know our love's not unconditional
K-I-S-S I'm in distress, there's nothing left to talk about
You know our love's not unconditional
Low F-I-D-E-L-I-T-Y
Do all love songs turn out this way?
Can't you hear me when I say:"You're in my heart
In my hands'round my neck"
We move like a carousel
Streak lights and mirrors fill our eyes
It's time to let this go
Can't stop spinning
Around, around, around...
K-I-S-S I'm in distress, I need someone to spell it out
You know our love's not unconditional

-Thursday